http://realityiselastic.blogspot.com/
love,
Philip
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Requiem for a Blog
I never saw one of your faces
I never heard the sound of your voice
I never saw you move, get up from your chair, laugh
We never had a conversation*
But your comments entered into my life
A series of pixels that somehow managed to move and make an impression on me
I wrote many words
What I have heard is that the words meant something over the years, to some of you
Ending this blog is a bit like a divorce.
I still love it, in fact I love it more now that it's going away
But it's time for it to go away and I think I can do more good writing
as a person, who is not labeled as sick
What I hope to do is show that a normal person can sometimes feel the same as someone with bipolar
And because you have these feelings you should not feel stigmatized
that goes for those of us who have the diagnosis as well
A bipolar blog no more
but a blog of a young man
I never heard the sound of your voice
I never saw you move, get up from your chair, laugh
We never had a conversation*
But your comments entered into my life
A series of pixels that somehow managed to move and make an impression on me
I wrote many words
What I have heard is that the words meant something over the years, to some of you
Ending this blog is a bit like a divorce.
I still love it, in fact I love it more now that it's going away
But it's time for it to go away and I think I can do more good writing
as a person, who is not labeled as sick
What I hope to do is show that a normal person can sometimes feel the same as someone with bipolar
And because you have these feelings you should not feel stigmatized
that goes for those of us who have the diagnosis as well
A bipolar blog no more
but a blog of a young man
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Onset of Reality
Hi Everyone,
I started this blog three years ago as a way to cope with the pain of mental illness. Since then I've been hospitalized for bipolar mania a third time. On my way out of the hospital after a two week stay, I decided that I would never again let myself get sick enough to be committed.
This blog has been a place for me to discuss my pain and foster an increasingly dwindling forum for discussion. I haven't had any comments for what seems like a couple months now. That is not the reason I am making the following decision.
I will be shutting down Onset of Reality for good. 280 posts later, I have found that I have no desire to talk about bipolar disorder. My posts are becoming more and more about my life apart from mental illness and it would be a misnomer to post these entries on what is a part of the Bipolar Webring. Three years of therapeutic writing later, I am ready to put my illness behind me and not write as a person with mental illness, but a person. If my blog has helped any of you over the years I am grateful. I will download my entire blog so I have it on my hard drive. Perhaps something will become of it over time.
I will post a link to my new blog once it has been arranged. Thanks for your attention over the years.
best,
Pjbrubak
I started this blog three years ago as a way to cope with the pain of mental illness. Since then I've been hospitalized for bipolar mania a third time. On my way out of the hospital after a two week stay, I decided that I would never again let myself get sick enough to be committed.
This blog has been a place for me to discuss my pain and foster an increasingly dwindling forum for discussion. I haven't had any comments for what seems like a couple months now. That is not the reason I am making the following decision.
I will be shutting down Onset of Reality for good. 280 posts later, I have found that I have no desire to talk about bipolar disorder. My posts are becoming more and more about my life apart from mental illness and it would be a misnomer to post these entries on what is a part of the Bipolar Webring. Three years of therapeutic writing later, I am ready to put my illness behind me and not write as a person with mental illness, but a person. If my blog has helped any of you over the years I am grateful. I will download my entire blog so I have it on my hard drive. Perhaps something will become of it over time.
I will post a link to my new blog once it has been arranged. Thanks for your attention over the years.
best,
Pjbrubak
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Dating again
It's a very lonely business, dating. Not knowing if there is a connection, but still babbling away, trying to balance self-expression with good listening. Always second-guessing how you're doing vis a vis your date. Is she into me? What can I do to get her approval? You hit upon all of your insecurities. Mine is that I don't show the girl I care about her. I should kiss her after the date to show her I'm interested. After I kiss her, everything will fall into place. Should I kiss her??? No, better to wait for a more romantic moment. But if I don't act romantically we'll quickly become friends and she'll get bored! Where does confidence figure into all this?
Outwardly everything went fine on the first date I had today. It lasted for three hours. But the whole time I was thinking she was bored. We talked and talked and walked and walked. Along the way we ran into several people who knew me. It made me look good and I think may have impressed her. They were all asking me about my latest documentary and when it will premiere. It also felt good to see some familiar faces as it was kind of unpleasant to spend all this time with someone I didn't know. Yes, unpleasant. So why am I going to call her again? Because I'm learning you have to go through some unpleasant times to get to trust. I am mature enough to know that building a relationship is not about instant gratification. Wouldn't it be nice to hit it off with someone right away and fall in love quickly. It's not happening for me that way right now. Maybe she's not the one. But I am not ready for the one. I need more relationship practice. She's a Republican. I think I can look past that. We had spirited debates about politics and Michael Moore among other things. She hates Michael Moore. I like him. But I agree he's a propagandaist. She is hot and nerdy. She's a recreational therapist for child cancer patients. I gave her a DVD of a promo I created for Rock Against Cancer, a group which uses music as recreational therapy.
Like the guy that I am, I am physically attracted. I can safely say that I like this girl. But I am so insecure in the way I interact with women. I have dated real b****es in my life. Now, in alone time, I can see that I did a fine job today. The time to kiss a girl is at night. Ours was a coffee date at midday. I could have shook her hand. Maybe a conservative girl is not interested in hugs. Her hug was a little unenthusiastic. Whatever. I handled myself exactly the way I wanted to today. It's her problem if she doesn't appreciate it. I didn't tell her I was bipolar...I'm waiting for a better opportunity. She talked about herself nearly the whole time and I listened. I got tired of listening. She didn't ask me about myself at all.
We had some fun. She stopped on the sidewalk and looked at a flier for an animal show in Raleigh next weekend. I asked if her she wanted to go. She said maybe, so I took the flier. We have another date. Isn't that a hopeful feeling?
Outwardly everything went fine on the first date I had today. It lasted for three hours. But the whole time I was thinking she was bored. We talked and talked and walked and walked. Along the way we ran into several people who knew me. It made me look good and I think may have impressed her. They were all asking me about my latest documentary and when it will premiere. It also felt good to see some familiar faces as it was kind of unpleasant to spend all this time with someone I didn't know. Yes, unpleasant. So why am I going to call her again? Because I'm learning you have to go through some unpleasant times to get to trust. I am mature enough to know that building a relationship is not about instant gratification. Wouldn't it be nice to hit it off with someone right away and fall in love quickly. It's not happening for me that way right now. Maybe she's not the one. But I am not ready for the one. I need more relationship practice. She's a Republican. I think I can look past that. We had spirited debates about politics and Michael Moore among other things. She hates Michael Moore. I like him. But I agree he's a propagandaist. She is hot and nerdy. She's a recreational therapist for child cancer patients. I gave her a DVD of a promo I created for Rock Against Cancer, a group which uses music as recreational therapy.
Like the guy that I am, I am physically attracted. I can safely say that I like this girl. But I am so insecure in the way I interact with women. I have dated real b****es in my life. Now, in alone time, I can see that I did a fine job today. The time to kiss a girl is at night. Ours was a coffee date at midday. I could have shook her hand. Maybe a conservative girl is not interested in hugs. Her hug was a little unenthusiastic. Whatever. I handled myself exactly the way I wanted to today. It's her problem if she doesn't appreciate it. I didn't tell her I was bipolar...I'm waiting for a better opportunity. She talked about herself nearly the whole time and I listened. I got tired of listening. She didn't ask me about myself at all.
We had some fun. She stopped on the sidewalk and looked at a flier for an animal show in Raleigh next weekend. I asked if her she wanted to go. She said maybe, so I took the flier. We have another date. Isn't that a hopeful feeling?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Too cool for my own good?
Like many bloggers I use my site for self-absorbed navel gazing. Which I will do now.
There is that phenomenon of the bipolar person having a push-pull relationship with the rest of the world. We pull in some people and then push them away. We never fully become integrated in the universality and connectedness of the rest of mankind. This is something that I've experienced. This "push-pull" phenom manifests itself in my relationships with women. I try a little to win girls over, then push them away. I don't want to try too hard, whether its with girls or my job or my films. What would that mean? Not all bipolars have this kind of mentality, although I think it others it is often called laziness. I don't think laziness exists, I think there is only fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, these are the things that keep people like sloths.
I heard from my producer today that my documentary is not right for Sundance because it is not "universal" enough. This is meant for me not to hunker down the hundred or so dollars to apply to the festival only to be met with disappointment. I was hurt! She is probably (make that definitely) right about me not getting accepted, but I wanted to try at least. She cushioned the news by saying that I made the film I wanted to make. Which was true. But now I'm salivating at the possibility of my film reaching a mass audience.
My next film is more universal. And I know how I could make it even more so. I could add a lot of voiceover and turn it into a personal "searching" doc where I go on a quest to find somebody. This is a tried and true device, whether it's Michael Moore in "Roger and Me" or the guy in the recent film "Bigger Stronger Faster." My deal is that I see all these universal conventions as cliches. I want my film to be different. I want an original form of stortytelling. People want to see the same story recycled over and over again. I want my audience to think. The "hero on a journey" story will never die because it is as old as the hills. I push away a broad audience and I pull in the select few.
There is that phenomenon of the bipolar person having a push-pull relationship with the rest of the world. We pull in some people and then push them away. We never fully become integrated in the universality and connectedness of the rest of mankind. This is something that I've experienced. This "push-pull" phenom manifests itself in my relationships with women. I try a little to win girls over, then push them away. I don't want to try too hard, whether its with girls or my job or my films. What would that mean? Not all bipolars have this kind of mentality, although I think it others it is often called laziness. I don't think laziness exists, I think there is only fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, these are the things that keep people like sloths.
I heard from my producer today that my documentary is not right for Sundance because it is not "universal" enough. This is meant for me not to hunker down the hundred or so dollars to apply to the festival only to be met with disappointment. I was hurt! She is probably (make that definitely) right about me not getting accepted, but I wanted to try at least. She cushioned the news by saying that I made the film I wanted to make. Which was true. But now I'm salivating at the possibility of my film reaching a mass audience.
My next film is more universal. And I know how I could make it even more so. I could add a lot of voiceover and turn it into a personal "searching" doc where I go on a quest to find somebody. This is a tried and true device, whether it's Michael Moore in "Roger and Me" or the guy in the recent film "Bigger Stronger Faster." My deal is that I see all these universal conventions as cliches. I want my film to be different. I want an original form of stortytelling. People want to see the same story recycled over and over again. I want my audience to think. The "hero on a journey" story will never die because it is as old as the hills. I push away a broad audience and I pull in the select few.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Near-Amnesia
Who am I? Where am I going?
Relevant questions to all armchair philosophers. But also the scourge of many a poor person with persistent memory loss. I, my friends, am headed in that direction. These days I can hardly remember words that were spoken to me only a few minutes earlier. My memory has gotten so bad, and I have such little confidence in it now, that I fear it has something to do with my bipolar condition. Are the meds eroding my cognitive abilities? Maybe my right brain is taking over. I do something creative everyday, while I hardly do math problems (and when I do I usually do them wrong). I take a notepad wherever I go at work and that is very helpful. Still, a 28 year old man should not have to be concerned at forgetting why he walked into the room or the point of the story he's telling. My dad has a notoriously awful memory. He is a member of the CRS Club, a group of middle-aged men who meet for lunch once week. CRS stands for Can't Remember Shit. Maybe I inherited this condition from my dad. It's a little scary because I can recall having more of an attuned mind. As a matter of fact, when I was in high school...wait...what was I going to say? Never mind. I take four capsules of fish oil every day. I've been doing that for seven years. Shouldn't that count for something? I drink plenty of water. Water's good for everything, right? They say exercise helps mental acuity. Perhaps I should jog more. When I'm hypomanic, my mind is a steel trap. It's only when I'm laidback that I can't remember my middle name. Could there be some truth to that? When you're anxious is it easier to access that coveted part of your brain where memory resides? That's true for me. Apathy is my sidekick these days. Apathy about my job, apathy about my life. My parents have left me housesitting for two weeks. I've got to care more about the things that concern me. If the events in my life mean something to me, I will remember them. My well being does matter. Fight to remember.
Relevant questions to all armchair philosophers. But also the scourge of many a poor person with persistent memory loss. I, my friends, am headed in that direction. These days I can hardly remember words that were spoken to me only a few minutes earlier. My memory has gotten so bad, and I have such little confidence in it now, that I fear it has something to do with my bipolar condition. Are the meds eroding my cognitive abilities? Maybe my right brain is taking over. I do something creative everyday, while I hardly do math problems (and when I do I usually do them wrong). I take a notepad wherever I go at work and that is very helpful. Still, a 28 year old man should not have to be concerned at forgetting why he walked into the room or the point of the story he's telling. My dad has a notoriously awful memory. He is a member of the CRS Club, a group of middle-aged men who meet for lunch once week. CRS stands for Can't Remember Shit. Maybe I inherited this condition from my dad. It's a little scary because I can recall having more of an attuned mind. As a matter of fact, when I was in high school...wait...what was I going to say? Never mind. I take four capsules of fish oil every day. I've been doing that for seven years. Shouldn't that count for something? I drink plenty of water. Water's good for everything, right? They say exercise helps mental acuity. Perhaps I should jog more. When I'm hypomanic, my mind is a steel trap. It's only when I'm laidback that I can't remember my middle name. Could there be some truth to that? When you're anxious is it easier to access that coveted part of your brain where memory resides? That's true for me. Apathy is my sidekick these days. Apathy about my job, apathy about my life. My parents have left me housesitting for two weeks. I've got to care more about the things that concern me. If the events in my life mean something to me, I will remember them. My well being does matter. Fight to remember.
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